The Thing About White Horses: The Spiritual Dangers of Fighting Child Abuse
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I am a spiritual man. Now, don’t misunderstand me: I did not say I am a virtuous man, or a good man, or—God knows this and so do all my friends—a Far from it on all counts. I am a deeply flawed and broken guy. But, in spite of all that—or, more precisely, because of all that—I am a spiritual person, by which I mean that I see and understand the world and my life primarily in spiritual terms, brokenness and healing, death and resurrection, darkness and light. Both my religious faith and my program of recovery from addiction teach me how to do this, and there is a lot to be said for it as a way of life. Trying to live according to spiritual principles gives me hope and joy in the everyday, in family and friends, in sunsets and snowstorms. But there is a downside as well, which is that my spiritual program requires that I regularly check myself and my motives: in personal relationships, in lifestyle, in professional endeavors. My life and my faith teach me that there is some darkness in the best of us, some light in the worst of us, and that I am not fit to be a judge of anyone but me, and often not even that.
All of which can be really inconvenient when I go to work. For I fight child sexual abuse for a living. For nearly two decades now, most of my law practice has been dedicated to pursuing justice on behalf of men and women who as children were sexually abused by trusted adults: teachers, priests, pastors, Scout leaders, coaches, relatives. We file lawsuits against child abusers and the institutions that enabled it; we often work with law enforcement to try to prosecute the offenders; we work with educators, regulators and legislators to try to improve policies and laws in institutions of trust where we expect our children to be safe. This is what I do, 50 hours a week, 50 weeks a year. It is meaningful work and I believe in it and I hope that it makes a difference in keeping kids safer than they otherwise would be.
But this work can be difficult at times, with tragic stories of pain and suffering, cowardice and cover-up, dishonesty and disingenuity. The survivors I work with are often in a lot of pain—depression and disorientation, drugs and or alcohol abuse, relationship or vocational struggles. We have lost three men to suicide in the last decade and had another dozen scares. Some days I get so sad, other days so angry, and yet other days I get to a place of despair—which, for me, is a kind of numbness that can paralyze me into inaction. When that happens I find that I have gradually taken on too much of the pain of others, I have forgotten to take care of myself, and so I slowly sink beneath the quicksand. When these times approach, I have to be especially conscious and aware, and check myself and my motives often. I have to tap into the spiritual resources inside me.
For the truth of the challenge is that my soul does not want long to endure such emotions as overwhelming sadness or despair, loss or futility, and so, almost inevitably after a few minutes or hours of such feelings, anger comes rushing in, deep anger. Soon after the deep anger comes the emotions that are, at least for me, truly toxic, poisonous, self-defeating. Emotions like rage—which is different from anger in both degree and purpose, and revenge—which is wholly different from justice, and, worst of all, righteousness and self-righteousness—which says that I am, we are, qualitatively different, nay, even better than those on the other side of our work.
All of these emotions are out of bounds for me, for they blind me and leave me prey to unconsciousness. When I am unconscious I delude myself into believing that I am better than someone else. I forget my own darkness and brokenness—which is just as dark and broken as anyone else’s—and project it all onto others. My anger makes me do stupid things that I later regret and that do not advance the cause of justice, and I forget that anger or rage are never primary emotions—they always cover up or replace something else, usually fear or hurt. And when I forget all that, then self-righteousness and cause-righteousness produce a kind of arrogance that is off-putting to the very people I hope to gain as allies—judges, jurors, policymakers, the public, and so instead of advancing the cause, I have set it back.
That’s the danger about riding white horses. They are highly visible in a crowd of people, being both very bright and very large. People notice them, and those who ride them. And when you ride a white horse—this is something that social workers, sages and saints have long talked about—you are, as they say, “a marked man.” Other people watch to see if you do your noble work in a noble way, and if you don’t, even for a day, then the work suffers, and those for whom you are fighting suffer. The hard and uncompromising fact is that if you cannot control the white horse, then people get hurt and crushed. And if you fall off the horse—which tends to happen when you pass out from unconsciousness—it is a long way down and there will be no one there to catch you.
Alexander Solzhenitsyn, the great Russian writer who spent his life fighting totalitarian tyranny and so had plenty of time to contemplate such things, said that the line between good and evil runs not between political systems, or economic philosophies, not between governments or parties, but runs right through the heart of every human being.
My law partner and great friend Mark O’Donnell puts it this way: “we know there will be days when we are stupid; there also will be days when we are arrogant; and there will even be days when we are just plain mean. But let’s hope and pray that we are never stupid, arrogant and mean all on the same day. That’s when the disasters happen.”
Those of us who are privileged enough to do this work must also remember that it comes with a high responsibility to stay conscious and to stay humble. For we are all broken and capable of great evil, but we are also all children of God and capable of great love. We have a daily decision as to which parts of our soul we bring to work each day. Much depends on our choice.
11 Comments for this Post
July 8, 2012 at 11:45 am
Beautifully stated. Thanks!
July 16, 2012 at 8:39 pm
Thank you for all you and the rest of you are doing for me. You have given me faith that the truth will be heard and that someday I will heal.
July 29, 2012 at 11:28 am
Beautifully said, and so true. I have been fighting the battle of child sex abuse for a couple of decades, but from a different direction. I’ve counseled sex abuse victims, sex offenders, partners of abusers, and families. I speak out about child sex abuse at every opportunity I have (daily on FB and Twitter), and the topic all but consumes my life. Both my Masters’s thesis and PhD dissertation were about child sex abuse; specifically, mothers of victims. I also am deeply reliant on God for strength, help, and wisdom. Without Him, I could do nothing.
August 15, 2012 at 10:47 am
Thank you, Kelly, for the work you are doing and your honesty in the midst of it. I am a life coach, spiritual director, and speaker specializing in helping people heal from childhood trauma. I am in the thick of the battle daily.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you say that we are all vulnerable. Staying closely connected to our Source of strength and love is critical. We also need to provide support to EACH OTHER! So many of us are out here giving our all to fight the battle of evil- within and without, but must not try to stand alone. We must stand together. Our prayers should go out for one another- for all of those who are on the front lines. Let’s hold each other up with the armor of God so that we can all pass through the fires together.
Bless you, Kelly, and the work you are doing.
August 15, 2012 at 12:05 pm
The first paragraph puts into words where I am. We are fighting for our daughter against our former pastor. It is very hard to believe we put our children in such danger and the sad thing is we never ever worried about them being harmed. People are really good at hiding who they really are. Thank you for the work you do. I too get arrogant, stupid and down right mean but I am not allowed to stay there and I put myself in check. I am glad this is normal because I have been real upset with myself a lot. It is a lonely road especially when you have to keep things quiet and you have been labeled as a wolf and god-hater by those that at one time loved you, so you thought. My husband and I have to remind each other that God is in this and on our side but it is hard to see some days. It is a emotional battle that I wish sometimes we could just physically battle and be down. Thanks so much for this article it has been a blessing to me.
March 2, 2013 at 1:31 pm
This article really hit home for me and put words to what I have been struggling with for many months. Thank you Kelly for a word in due season. This gives me much to chew on and helps to clarify my thoughts. I am going to read this again and again.
March 2, 2013 at 4:18 pm
Great article, Kelly.
God bless,
Dale
March 3, 2013 at 7:29 am
Can I quote some of this on facebook?
March 3, 2013 at 11:17 am
Thank you for being so brutally honest. Working on an initiative that speaks out about the truth of pornography and how it drives the demand for victims of sexual abuse and exploitation is the white horse I am riding in my current work.
Your words have brought clarity and inspiration for continuing on this journey in ways you may never know.
“But let’s hope and pray that we are never stupid, arrogant and mean all on the same day.” – is exactly what I needed to hear after my past two weeks; I’m not as jaded as I was beginning to believe!
Thank you again; and God bless you with strength, and with beauty in your life, to continue doing what you are doing.
March 6, 2013 at 5:12 am
That was a great article. I would only add one thing. You may not think that you are a virtuous or a good man, but God your father sees you the same way a parent sees their child who has been told lies by a predator. God sees a son He loves, who He is proud of, and whose “test” gives him a testimony. Your personal battles are your diploma to kick the enemies behind and you are good at it. Not only that, you have helped put countless lives back together, which is virtuous and good.
March 11, 2013 at 9:04 pm
Refreshing, wise and truly “a word in season.” Peace and all good things to you, friend.